As my dreaded year looms only days away and following a lengthy (as in I'd give a grade 9 girl a run for her money in terms of chattiness) but thoroughly delightful - almost to the point of wet pants - telephone conversation with one of my very wisest friends, this is what I have come to realize: boy/girl interactions do not change at all as you age: they are just as dumb as they were when we were teenagers - now there is just white hair involved.
We still ask the same things: Why didn't he call when he said he would? Why hasn't he made a move? WTF was with that move? Why is he so clingy? Why does he think I'm too clingy just because I took up one drawer after our third date? Why hasn't he pronounced his undying love for me after two months? Why did he pronounce his undying love for me after six days? WTF is with his hair? WTF where did his hair go? Am I prettier, smarter than the last girl? The list goes on...
My sage friend and I are somewhat of an anomaly, I think. We look like women but really, underneath it all, we are just guys. And this makes us the worst kind of woman to date. Men have been programmed through years of dating disasters to think that they know exactly what we want to hear but, seriously, they have no freakin' clue. We don't want to talk about our feelings, we certainly don't want to hear about yours, we will tell you if you look fat in your jeans, we don't want to be smothered, we fail to see the point in flowers, PDA is for hormonally charged teenagers who can't get a room, we prefer to roll over and go to sleep rather than cuddle and above all else, when we break up - we will tell you it's you and not us. Because, let's face it - it probably is.
When we break up, the guys in us still want to have our cake and eat it too. At the end of the day, we are probably not too concerned over the lack of romance (we will get over that quickly) but these men do serve a purpose. My very astute friend has come up with a useful email that I feel is too clever not to share with the world. It allows us to let the other person know that there are some things in the relationship that we do appreciate and would like to keep. It goes something like this:
Dear valued customer;
Due to a lack of activity on your account over the last several weeks your membership status has been downgraded to our convenient 'Friends with Benefits' package.
We feel this package is more suited to your current needs and believe you will be much happier with this service.
If you are not interested in the 'Friends with Benefits' package or feel this change has been made in error please contact our customer service department between 9am and 5pm PST and one of our Customer Service Representatives would be happy to discuss your membership account.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your business.
Regards,
Smar Tass
Senior Manager, Consumer Relations
God bless wise and witty friends.
