It is not me. It is you but here is what I suggest...

As my dreaded year looms only days away and following a lengthy (as in I'd give a grade 9 girl a run for her money in terms of chattiness) but thoroughly delightful - almost to the point of wet pants - telephone conversation with one of my very wisest friends, this is what I have come to realize: boy/girl interactions do not change at all as you age: they are just as dumb as they were when we were teenagers - now there is just white hair involved.

We still ask the same things: Why didn't he call when he said he would? Why hasn't he made a move? WTF was with that move? Why is he so clingy? Why does he think I'm too clingy just because I took up one drawer after our third date? Why hasn't he pronounced his undying love for me after two months? Why did he pronounce his undying love for me after six days? WTF is with his hair? WTF where did his hair go? Am I prettier, smarter than the last girl? The list goes on...

My sage friend and I are somewhat of an anomaly, I think. We look like women but really, underneath it all, we are just guys. And this makes us the worst kind of woman to date. Men have been programmed through years of dating disasters to think that they know exactly what we want to hear but, seriously, they have no freakin' clue. We don't want to talk about our feelings, we certainly don't want to hear about yours, we will tell you if you look fat in your jeans, we don't want to be smothered, we fail to see the point in flowers, PDA is for hormonally charged teenagers who can't get a room, we prefer to roll over and go to sleep rather than cuddle and above all else, when we break up - we will tell you it's you and not us. Because, let's face it - it probably is.

When we break up, the guys in us still want to have our cake and eat it too. At the end of the day, we are probably not too concerned over the lack of romance (we will get over that quickly) but these men do serve a purpose. My very astute friend has come up with a useful email that I feel is too clever not to share with the world. It allows us to let the other person know that there are some things in the relationship that we do appreciate and would like to keep. It goes something like this:

Dear valued customer;
Due to a lack of activity on your account over the last several weeks your membership status has been downgraded to our convenient 'Friends with Benefits' package.
We feel this package is more suited to your current needs and believe you will be much happier with this service.
If you are not interested in the 'Friends with Benefits' package or feel this change has been made in error please contact our customer service department between 9am and 5pm PST and one of our Customer Service Representatives would be happy to discuss your membership account.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your business.
Regards,
Smar Tass
Senior Manager, Consumer Relations

God bless wise and witty friends.

An Open Letter to "Our" New Premier

Dear Ms. Clark,

Well, I guess congratulations are in order. Congratulations to you for being the least worst option for the Liberal party and getting yourself appointed. Enjoy your 15 minutes that you have somehow managed to stretch out to a decade.

You have left me with a bit of a dilemna. As I work with students encouraging them to improve their life options by exploring post secondary options, it seems I am going to have to change my approach. Surely, everyone is aware that you partied your way through three universities with nary a certificate to your name. How to get around this when speaking with students?

I know. I am not supporting women's rights... like you, right? Actually, as a woman, you offend me. You make us look cheap and conniving. Some of us believe in education, hard work, and choosing the best person for the job. You are not it. You might as well wear a t-shirt that says: completely self serving and unapologetic.

Seriously, though, great work on negotiating that Kevin Falcon not push for the public inquiry into the sale of BC Rail. God knows that Good For Nothin' Husband of yours might have made you look bad. Making him Deputy Premier in return: pure genius making a bigger idiot than you your right hand man. The two of you as poster children for BC? People will think we are now the Vegas of the North... the day after.

Okay. Okay. If you are stuck on things to do tonight to celebrate. Might I suggest that you stand at the end of Gordon Campbell's driveway and wait for him to come home from his dinner with Fred and Cathy? Wear black.

Best regards,
Someone who would vote for Mark Emory over you
(and we all know how I feel about potheads)

Don't get knocked up as a teen... you'll steal my spotlight.

I love Chelsea Handler. She is the epitome of "no social sieve" and I am so jealous that she gets to live out all of her narcissitic fantasies of saying exactly what she wants on television! Fame for having a big mouth - what could be more glorious?!?!?

One of the clips that always makes me laugh is when she is talking about Bristol Palin having some sort of speaking engagement to young people. Completely incensed by the absurdity of this, Handler comments that she has a better idea of who would make a great role model for young people - "someone who is 19 and doesn't have a fucking baby."

Continuing on with my obsession about celebrity, I just read two things today (well I am sure I read MORE than two things today) that really made me think: WTF???

1. Bristol Palin is set to write her memoir. WTF? She is 19 with a baby and no job. What the hell does she have to say? Does she plan on discussing her shock when she discovered she was pregnant? Maybe she will mention how her mother neglected to mention that you could actually get pregnant on a school day. I mean, her mother is Sarah Palin: it is QUITE possible that this was a common belief in the house. Will she recount - in graphic detail - how she lost her virginity to the ultimate narcissist, Levi Johnson? Because unless it is in graphic detail - bordering on porn - who the hell is going to read it? It would be like watching the Jersey Shore with old people in it.

2. First of all, I am sickened that there is actually a show which glamourizes teen moms. Seriously? But, again, there is another article about one of them speaking of the importance of birth control. This is someone who has found fame due to a simple lack of two things: 1) common sense and 2) a condom. So let's see: I am a fame seeking teenager with really no discernible talent or, frankly, ambition. I hear a message from another teen who, through the simple act of getting pregnant, has found fame and fortune. All of this fame and fortune were achieved without hard work or an education. So WHY exactly would I not be tempted to get pregnant? After all, at some point these women will be too old for the title of "teen mom" and there may be a casting call.

But what do we expect? We would criticize these young women if they stood up and said: "Heck ya, I'd get knocked up again. I'm rich because of it." At least Palin has realized that she needs to capitalize on remorse for as long as she can. I just wonder what her kid is going to think when he realizes that the house he lives in was paid for by money his mother made while traveling the country letting everyone know what a mistake he was.

But this is good TV, right? I mean: who is going to watch a show about a bunch of girls who make smart choices and abstain from sex?